Reflecting on 2019

Every year I sit down at the end of December to write this blog post. It’s both my favorite blog post to write but also the hardest. It requires so much vulnerability and honesty with myself. I like to really dig deep and get truthful when it comes to the struggles and wins from the years.

It’s also so damn hard to sum up an entire year. Over the last few weeks, I’ve written bits and pieces of this blog post in the Notes app on my phone. I wrote down the things I wanted to remember to say. But honestly, it’s impossible to remember everything from the past year.

I love reading other people’s end of year blog posts and listening to end of year podcast recaps because it gets the wheels turning for me. I share this yearly blog post not just as an exercise for me to sit down and reflect, but also to get the wheels turning for you.

And for more end of the year prompts to help you reflect, check out this blog post.

Reflecting on 2019

First things first: 2019 was the year of the break-up. The year Jeremy and I broke up after 8 years together for one reason and one reason only: he eventually wants to have kids. I’m pretty sure I don’t.

When I think of 2019 it feels like there are two parts to this year. The first being life before the break-up, the second being life after the break-up. I hate harping on this life event, but I think it goes without saying: It’s a pretty major life change. It feels impossible to not boldly acknowledge it as it really flavored the final months of this year.

I went out to dinner with my parents last week — they’re heading out of town for New Year’s Eve so it was the last time I’ll see them before 2020. My mom lifted her glass to me and said: “You survived 2019.” 

I’ve had dinner with my parents almost every Friday since the break-up. And every week my mom looks at me and reminds me I survived another week. It hasn’t been an easy year. But I’m still here.

2019 kicked my ass. It really did. Looking back on this year I also want to remember that there was also so much good this year. 2019 is more than just the year of the break-up.

2019 is the year I:

▶︎ Became a certified Bar Method instructor. And had the joy of helping to launch a new Bar Method studio in NYC.

▶︎ Taught more yoga and barre classes than I ever could have imagined.

▶︎ Fearlessly followed my dreams. Even when it seemed scary at times.

▶︎ I met so many incredible new friends. Friends from the blogging world, from Bar Method, from Portugal and other corners of my life.

▶︎ I stayed focus on the career I want to create for myself. Even if it’s not the most traditional career path.

▶︎ I traveled a lot: To LA (of course). To England and Ireland and a few magical islands in between. To the Outerbanks and Baltimore for weddings. And to Portugal for the trip of a lifetime.

And yes, it’s also the year Jeremy and I broke up after 8 years together.

Looking back at my intentions:

My word of 2019 was flow. When I think back to the end of 2018, I’ve come a LONG way. At the end of 2018 I was in a delirious state of exhaustion. My voice was totally shot from teaching. I was burnt out and afraid to admit it.

The irony of an intention or goal is that sometimes you have to go in the polar opposite direction before you can achieve the thing you want. That’s what my journey to finding FLOW felt like for me this year. It didn’t happen quickly. It didn’t really happen until June when Bar Method – Noho opened up.

Before then? My life felt like the polar opposite of flow. Life was pure chaos while I was in training to teach for Bar Method.

Progress Not Perfection

I didn’t find perfect, smooth, sustainable, autonomy and flow this but I did make some huge strides:

▶︎ I left CorePower Yoga. A decision I was SO worried about, but it ended being the right choice. Don’t get me wrong, I love CPY and loved teaching there. The energy required to teach Yoga Sculpt became too much for me once I decided to go full-time as an instructor.

▶︎ I was picky and deliberate about the permanent yoga and barre classes I picked up this year.

▶︎ I went from swiping my MetroCard 6+ times a day to now I sometimes go 2+ weeks without stepping foot on the subway. Yes, it is glorious

▶︎ Almost every class I teach now is a double or strategically planned out with another work commitment.

▶︎ I haven’t lost my voice in months (!!!) This is huge!

▶︎ I force myself to take one full day off EVERY week from teaching. It sounds silly to say, but it’s SO easy to get sucked into the karma of subbing for everyone.

▶︎ Throughout the year I said no to a lot of things. Most blog partnerships and events that came my way. Opportunities to teach for free at events that would have left me depleted for my permanent classes. I constantly asked myself “will this leave me drained or full?” Dinner with my BFFs after a 10-hour workday? That will leave me feeling filled up and nourished. But being fake nice at an influencer event? Not my jam these days.

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This year I realized I don’t think flow is a thing you can ever 100% have. Which is really true of all the previous one-word intentions I’ve set throughout the years. You can’t always be fearless or content. Life just doesn’t work that way.

 

What I Learned in 2019

The most important lesson I’ve learned in 2019 is that it’s okay to ask for help. I’m still not great at doing this TBH, but I’m working on it. I am not the kind of person to reach out to others when I’m feeling lonely or need support. That’s just not in my nature and I’ve always been a super independent, “I can do it myself,” kind of gal.

Going through the break-up I really needed to ask for help and support from my friends. I needed to be surrounded by my people when I felt like utter shit. I needed my best friend to stop what she was doing to sit with me while I ate matzoh ball soup in my parent’s empty apartment because they were at a concert the night of the break-up.

It’s hard for me. But this year taught me that asking for help does not make you a weak person.

What I Struggled With This Year

I think it’s important to be aware of the places where you struggled throughout the year. It’s helped me start to hone in on some of the intentions I want to set in 2020.

I struggled with loneliness. A lot. This isn’t a new thing for me, but it felt especially challenging post-break-up.

I struggled with not feeling like I am enough. And like I was doing enough. As a yoga teacher and fitness instructor I only get paid when I work. It’s easy to feel like you’re not doing enough when financially you’re not where you want to be. But physically I also don’t think I can teach any more permanent classes than I currently do. It’s tricky.

I struggled with the good ole comparison trap. Especially comparing myself to other bloggers and influencers.

I struggled with worrying about the opinions of others. Being able to read ClassPass reviews of my class is brutal.

I struggled to find a happy balance in the chaos.

I struggled with cooking. Okay, I’ve always sucked at cooking. But this year I’ve been ESPECIALLY shitty about it.

I felt like often times I was surviving rather than thriving. Especially in the post-break-up sadness. I want to get back to feeling like I’m thriving in 2020.

 

Things I’m Proud of from 2019

I share the below not to brag, but because I think it’s important to also celebrate the wins. It’s easy to forget how far you’ve come over 12 months:

I am proud of becoming a certified Bar Method instructor. The process is NO joke

I am proud of my current teaching schedule. At the end of 2018, I had 9 permanent yoga classes and I’m now up to 15 permanent weekly yoga and barre classes.

I am proud of consistently making more money each week as a fitness instructor than I did at my previous marketing job. My income could still use a boost in 2020, but this is a major accomplishment!

I am proud that I kept it together during the break-up. Was I a crying mess most hours of the day? Yes. But I also put on my yoga pants and got out the door every day to teach instead of stewing in my sadness alone.

I am proud of all the times I’ve asked for help and support. Especially post break-up.

I am proud of my growth as a fitness instructor + yoga teacher. And my commitment to always learn more and be better.

I am proud of how much I’ve come out of my shell. I’m not as quiet, introverted and reserved as I claim to be.

I am proud of myself for going to Portugal. It was so worth it.

I am proud of myself for getting SO much better at learning names. A few years ago one of my resolutions was to get better at learning names. Teaching at the Bar Method has forced me to get REAL good at memorizing names — we use every student’s name in class. When I first started teaching this gave me immense anxiety, but I’ve gotten pretty good at learning names fast. I’m SO proud of myself for how far I’ve come on this front.

I am proud of my current relationship with exercise. I used to be this high intensity, boot camp, junkie. Now? It feels good to stick to low-impact classes like yoga and barre. It is enough.

I’m proud of myself for finding my own version of flow. It’s not perfect, but we made some great progress

And I am proud of myself for simply surviving a challenging year.

 

Looking Forward:

In the words of Arianna: Thank you, next, next [and yes I am so fucking grateful for my ex].

I am oh so ready for a fresh start and a new year. I know you don’t need to wait for a new year to create some new goals, but I personally do get swept up in the energy of this time of year. Suddenly I’m feeling like holy moly, the possibilities in 2020 are endless. And I’m okay with that kind of energy to kick off the new year (and decade!)

Peace out, 2019. You’ve challenged me [a lot] but you’ve also taught me just how fucking strong I am.

2020, I’m excited for whatever you have in store 💗