My Decision to [Probably] Not Have Kids

I don’t want to have kids.

I can’t point to a specific moment when I *knew*. There isn’t an A-HA! moment. It’s something that started as a small gut feeling and over time grew into a bigger realization about my future.

This blog post has been a long time coming. I’ve written it in bits and pieces over the last year or so. Turns out trying to put my thoughts and feelings about choosing to be child-free into words has been more challenging than I imagined. But this is also something important to talk about and normalize.

So, here we go…

Why I’m even talking about this:

I’ve been vocal and open about this topic because when I was in my mid-20’s I didn’t hear a lot of people talking about not wanting to have kids. Especially not other cis-gendered, hetero, women in my age bracket.

Even in 2021, this hasn’t been totally normalized. I feel lucky that I did have a few people in my life, friends of my parents or other women I’ve met along the way, that don’t have children for one reason or another. But for many, they don’t get to see that choice normalized.

Since I started talking about this on Instagram, I have been SO grateful for the various women that have reached out to me to talk about their own similar decision. It makes me feel like I’m not such a freak or a terrible human for going against the grain.

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My Own Decision:

I’ve always been a rule follower. Do your homework. Be obedient but engaged in class. Get good grades. Go to a good college. Graduate college in 4-years. Start thinking about graduate school.

Because of this logic, I always assumed I’d want to have kids. I hate acting like there is a thing you are or are not supposed to do in life. But the truth is having children is the expected thing to do when you’re a “well-adjusted”, ambitious, heterosexual, cis-gendered woman. When I started talking about this with my female friends SO many of them said “Hm, I never really thought about whether or not I want to have children. I just assumed I did.” For many people, it’s not something they think about.

I don’t know when I started thinking about it. Or realized it was an option. But once the thought got in my head I realized I had never really wanted kids. I wanted to follow the societal norms, just as I always had. But having kids? Not what I really want. I didn’t have this deep desire or yearning for them, even when I was with someone who I saw myself marrying.

When I pictured my future life I didn’t picture kids as part of the equation. I pictured living in Manhattan, traveling, spending lots of time in LA, my dream career, my dream apartment, even a whole life with my now ex-boyfriend. But kids weren’t a part of that dream.

 

My Phobia

It’s hard to not also mention my phobia as part of this discussion. Since I was about 9 years old I’ve dealt with having a pretty intense phobia of vomit. It’s something I mention on the blog here and there but generally don’t love diving into. It’s a part of my life and I’ve come a LONG way in learning coping skills to deal with it. But it’s still something I deal with basically every day of my life.

It’s not the only reason I don’t want to have kids, but it is a factor. Kids get sick — it’s unavoidable. I don’t know if any amount of therapy or medication could get me to a place where that’s something I could really handle.

If having kids was a lifelong dream of mine I imagine I’d want to do everything I could to get to that place where I could handle that. I’ve spoken with people that are parents that have a similar phobia to me. For them, their desire to have kids was stronger than their phobia. But for me, it simply is not.

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But Am I Sure?

There is this teeny tiny bit of me that wonders if I really know what I want. In 10 years will I change my mind? I don’t know.

What I do know is I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% sure I want to have kids.

I know it’s common to have doubts, but for me, I’m really scared it’s something I’d regret. It’s one of the few decisions — maybe even one of the only decisions — in life that’s permanent.

If you go to the wrong college you can transfer to another school. If you hate your job, you can look for a new one. You can change your college major. You can move to a new city. Even a marriage isn’t permanent if things aren’t working. Of course, you don’t marry someone saying “Hey, we can always get a divorce!” but in the back of your mind, you know you’re not stuck.

But kids? You’re stuck with them for life. I know thinking that way might make me sound like an AWFUL person, but I’m so afraid that if I did have kids I’d regret it, especially since I’ve never been 100% sure I want to have a baby.

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What I wish someone would’ve said to me about not wanting kids:

If I could go back in time, I’d tell younger Kayla:

You are not selfish.

[And fuck it, it’s also okay TO BE SELFISH sometimes]

On the one hand, I will 100% stand by the statement that choosing to be child-free doesn’t make you selfish. BUT I will also add the question why are women SO afraid of being called selfish?

It’s not a bad thing to put your desires first and make a decision that is best suited for YOU and YOUR happiness when it comes to having kids or not. I love this article from Fast Company that backs up why it’s actually good to be selfish.

 

You are not a monster.

Or a bad person or cold-hearted or weird or anything of that connotation. You’re simply someone that doesn’t want to have kids.

 

It’s not a reflection on your own parents.

I know for some people their decision to not have children is based on their own childhood or relationship with their parents, and I totally get that. That’s not at all the case for me, my parents are the best and I had an amazing childhood. I was nervous to tell my mom and that she would some way think it was a reflection of her. I’m grateful that she could not have been more supportive and if anything she wasn’t that shocked (I ironically told her about this on Mother’s Day of all days…)

 

You are not any less feminine.

I had a “fascinating” conversation with some guy on Instagram about how there is nothing for feminine than someone having a baby. To which I kindly say, fuck you, sir. Just as Harry Styles can be manly as fuck in a dress I am just as feminine without a child.

 

You can still want to get married.

A common misconception is that because I don’t want to have kids, I also don’t want to get married. While I totally respect people that don’t want to get married, I definitely do! My decision to not have children doesn’t change any of that.

 

You can still be excited to be an auntie.

I don’t hate kids.

While I wouldn’t say I’m great with kids, I am still so so excited for my friends to start having kids. One of my closest friends had a baby in May and getting to hang with my friend and the babe has been a highlight of the pandemic for me. I’m so excited to watch her grow up and continue to be a part of her life. I CANNOT wait for my brother to have kids so I can be the fun aunt that they come to visit in NYC for adventures.

Just because you don’t want to have kids doesn’t mean you hate kids. You just don’t want your own.

 

You don’t have to have a reason.

Oftentimes people ask me “Why don’t you want to have kids?” 

I don’t have some big WHY or reason, or at least not one that’s easy to articulate. For me, it’s both a gut feeling and a lack of desire. It’s funny how people always want to know why and yet we never ask others why they want to have kids.

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I share all of this because it’s been SO helpful for me to hear from other women that choose to be child-free. Women that I look up to. Women that are awesome, amazing, smart, and inspiring. They are not monsters. They are not awful people. But just people that realized being a parent isn’t a path they want to go down. And that’s okay.

PS: If you’re looking for fun child-free Instagram accounts, I highly recommend Drunk Aunt Overseas and Rich Auntie Supreme.

Photo Credit: Diana Davis Creative