I don’t know when it happened, but sometime over winter break I had the realization– “Do I really want to be a physical therapist???” Maybe it was the time away from school, maybe it was observing a PT clinic, maybe it was starting a new job that I love, or maybe it was having too much free time which allowed me to think and reevaluate. Whatever it was, I suddenly knew that perhaps this wasn’t the career path for me.
I applied to NYU’s post-bacc program for PT on a whim during a rough patch this spring. I was burnt out after far too many failed fitness auditions for dream jobs at studios I loved, burnt out from weekly interviews at gyms and studios far far away with mediocre pay and sick of getting job offerings from big box gym where I would be a salesperson more so than a personal trainer. Turns out there aren’t too many desirable fitness jobs in New York City and I would’ve been better off living in the suburbs, who knew?
I started thinking about the future, as I all too frequently do. How long could I keep this up– working front desk at a fitness studio and checking craigslist for new fitness postings every few hours? What about the future– if I want to have kids. What if I actually want to have a normal, predictable job after all?
For someone like me who always wants to know exactly what’s going to happen next, I realized I couldn’t keep this up. I wanted answered and something more solid in my life. I needed to change something. I’m a believer that you have to make the effort to change if you are unhappy with your current situations, it won’t just magically happen.
I started researching grad school ideas because in my heart I knew I wanted to go to grad school eventually. It’s hard to explain but I’ve always been so incredibly academically driven that part of me can’t imagine not going on to further degrees.Physical therapy sounded like a good fit, it related to my love of fitness, offered stability, lots of opportunities, I’d be helping people, and people would call me doctor. So, I applied to post-bacc as a way to give myself the nudge I needed to make the change. If I was accepted I’d decide if it was right, if not back to the drawing boards.
2 months later I was accepted and still less than thrilled with how things were going in my life. My parents and I agreed why not go for it, I could always reevaluate along the way and at least it was something to get my life back in motion.
And I survived that first semester, barely. Remarkably I passed general chemistry I and principles of bio I much to my own shock considering the fact that I’m a girl with a BFA in theater and the last time I took science was 7+ years ago. I worked harder academically than I ever remember. I was reminded though that I am not a science person. At all. Clearly I went to theater school for a reason. It was becoming apparent that being a PT requires a lot of science. When I went to a information session for a PT program one of the professors joke “You guys are all science nerds any way so it won’t be a problem”.No, no I’m not. The “abort mission” alarm started going off in my head after I heard that comment.
My love for fitness stems from a more “artsy” point of view, if that makes sense. I am incredibly fascinated by how working out makes you feel. Yes, I want to know how to keep clients safe and offer them an effective workout, but I’m really passionate about the link between music and motivation and how making healthier choices can have a positive influence on other parts of your life. I want to spread the word that working out and eating better makes you feel good and can change your life, I mean it definitely changed mine.
In January I began to feel this doubt, just as spring semester was starting. Something about PT no longer felt right. Afer talking it over with my voices of reason mom and dad, we agreed dropping biology was a good decision until I knew more about what was going on. Dropping that class lifted a weight off my shoulders and since then I have felt significantly less stressed and no longer feel plagued by guilt and anxiety that I should be doing homework at every second. I decided to stick it out in chemistry since the course piggybacks off of fall semester and one very possible path for me is nutrition, in which case I would still need chemistry.
I’m still trying to figure out the answer to the infamous question “What do you want to be when you grow up”. I spent the first 21 years of my life hyper focused on my dream of being a musical theater actor on broadway (why I’m no longer perusing that route is a whole other story. It boils down to being realistics about my skills as a performer.). I know I’m incredibly passionate about health and fitness and therefore want to somehow incorporate this deep love into whatever I do. There’s some ideas swirling around I’m my head but for now I’m not making any drastic decisions until I really know what I want.
My own philosophy has been everything happens for a reason and provides a valuable lesson. In the same way I don’t regret attending college for theater, I don’t regret attending post-bacc. It was a reminder of how hard of a worker I can be when I put my mind to something. And hey it got me taking chemistry which used to give me anxiety attacks in high school. There’s a lot of what if’s and possibilities right now and I’m not sure what’s next or where I’m going from here. At the very least, though, I am confident that it will all be okay. And somehow I will figure it out, despite how terrifying uncertainty can be.
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